Illuminating Illness

Sometimes we have no realization how dark it is until a light breaks in and dispels the darkness.

As a child, I knew something wasn’t right with my mother. I used to think she was mean and cruel for no reason. Now that I am suffering from the same disorder that mother suffered from, my eyes have been opened and a great light has illuminated and dispelled my former perspective.

That is to say, I could never fully know, understand, nor appreciate, what it is to suffer from major depression due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now that I am under the same duress, I regret thinking so poorly of my mother all those years.

This has also heightened my perception of our interactions with other people we encounter and interact with. How many others have I treated poorly as a result of my illness and how many of them were also suffering and/or under duress of some sort?

I am now 62-years of age, and as I consider all those years that I have treated others poorly, I am deeply aware of how thoughtless, self-centered, and cold-hearted I have been. It troubles me greatly to realize I have been living all those years with blinders on. It is crushing to acknowledge the limited and self-righteous perspective I have held for so long.

Yet I am grateful for God’s revelation; for his revealing to me the true condition of my heart. I have lived my life with great indifference toward the plight of others and now God has provide me the great blessing of a deeper revelation as to my true nature and not the superficial examination I had employed.

Most of all, I have an even greater respect of the old adage, “Be careful what you pray for, because you just might get it!”

For years I had been asking God what is wrong with me and to reveal to my heart to me. This He has done, but not in a way I would have opted for. Then again, if He had not shone His great light of Truth upon my heart in the manner that He did, I would most likely still be in the dark; fumbling and stumbling around, believing I could see where I was going and where I had been.

19 Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood and the gall! 20 My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me. 21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: 22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. 24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” 25 The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him. 26 It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. 27 It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. 28 Let him sit alone in silence when he has laid it on him; 29 let him put his mouth in the dust — there may yet be hope; 30 let him give his cheek to the smiter, and be filled with insults. 31 For the Lord will not cast off for ever, 32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; 33 for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men.
Lamentations 3:19-33 (RSV)

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One thought on “Illuminating Illness

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  1. You are spot-on, friend. As is recorded in the gospels…

    …30The Pharisees and their scribes began grumbling at His disciples, saying, “Why do you eat and drink with the tax collectors and sinners?” 31And Jesus answered and said to them, “It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. 32″I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” — Luke 5:30-32

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